Your question the other day wondering if taking care of baby is all I do - has really messed with me
again. Yes, right now that is all I do – but, but…. but!!!
I used to think when I was expecting that I wasn’t going to let this new child take over my world and ‘be’ my life. I was determined not to change but still be me and have time for what I did
before baby. I didn’t want to be one if those moms that always and only talks about her kids. Simply, I wanted to keep my identity as Jolynn and not surrender to mom, mommy or momma. No matter how I fought it or pretended that he didn’t change me, he has; my identity has changed. And, I struggled with this new way of living those first months.
Sometimes I wish I was still ‘out there’ in the business world. I miss it and it pulls. Because, I do have time for more. I have countless times struggled with doing more. Producing more. Creating more. All to no avail. I do more laundry. I produce more clean corners. I create more foods. Give me something else! A challenge! A paycheck at least!
I battle if I am I doing enough? Should I be juggling more? Part time job? Work from home? Start my own business? I don’t know. Honestly, some days stretch mundane, weeks span out wide and open before me and I dream of what else I could pursue.
If my reality was commuting to work throughout my week, it would be the arms of another who reached for my babe when he woke or cried or put stones in his mouth. Someone else. Not me. Someone for me to most likely compete with and share my motherhood with.
Diaper duty, teething tantrums, and plastered potatoes do get wearisome. Those moments with another ‘mother’ to stand in the trenches would be relaxing some days, I will not lie, while I engaged in adult-y things and work. Someone to entertain him when he climbs my legs, rescue him when he splashes in the toilette or undertake the long process of spooning cereal in his mouth.
This baby stage has clung to my shoulders and filled my arms. My eyes have taken in growing changes. When I settled with saying home, I recognized that I got to see Gavin when he first made eye contact with me, then smiled, eventually rolled over, first sat up, crawled and someday walk and talk. So, there’s no guilt to hold for not being absent.
I can say - I was there when…
My child can say - mommy was at home with me when I was little.
Please, sir, don’t think am writing this to make those feel bad who work away with small ones in care of another, I have friends that do that and you quite possibly have friends and family that do as well. I’m ok with those that do work away. What I am trying to say is I’m ok with me, too. With me as I stay at home. Because I used to not be ok with me.
Today my dear little one wanted to be outside so I took my folding towels business outside to watch my fast, stone sucking, crawler. Soon, job neglected, I grabbed my camera and was busy trying to freeze this moment in my toddlers life. These days will soon be no more and he will be running.
Sir, when you gave that snarky laugh, I submerged to that low place where I was not ok with me. I don’t need you to be ok with me (though that would be nice) but I need to be ok me. This may sound like I am trying to convince myself that I’m ok. I probably am. Your question raised all doubt again of what I ‘do’ and I spent the rest of the afternoon struggling that what I do is enough. Then I realized that for me and what I really want with my life as a parent is this:
I really want:
- to be present as my children as they are growing up
- to be their schedule, routine and security
- to enjoy and revel in them
- to study them, know them and ‘grow’ them in character and God chasers
Just being at home, I hope to get what I really want. (Though, working away might sound easier to me….)
Therefore, I may talk about my child, his sleeping habits, eating habits and playing habits. I might bore you with details at times. I have become a mother. It happened. Yup. It is my ‘work’. Job title. My 9-5 + overtime, grave shift and weekends.
Yes, I stay at home. Yes, I take care of Gavin. I take care of him, enjoy him, feed, bathe, snuggle, watch and rock him. As much as it was difficult to get used to this job title, I am his momma.
So, in answer to your question, yes, all I do is take care of my son.
Sincerely & warmly,