So why did you get married?

M in marriage is for mystery.  Lots of grey areas.  My black is now questioned sometimes.  And where I drew my line for white isn’t at the same place where he draws his line.  Other words that ‘spell’ marriage for me would be – Change.  Listening.  Surrender.  Sacrifice.  Truly listening.  Thinking.  Comprehensive listening.  To name a few…

Ok, my key ‘issue’ is lack of listening.  If you’re trying to tell me something right now I’m probably not listening…  🙂

Isn’t marriage supposed to be romantic, fuzzy feelings, tender, expectations met (always!), fulfillment, contentment, happiness.  All that stuff?  Am I the only one who is coming up short?  Who’s not getting it?  Who’s missing something?  My love tank isn’t always full – so what’s wrong with me?  Us?

Marriage is difficult.  I don’t understand people who say they have a good marriage and never disagree.  “Like really?” I wonder.  Whats wrong with me then that we don’t always get along?  Why do we sometimes have tension?

I saw this title of a newsletter – Wives, You Don’t Need A Husband Who Loves You.  It was a quote from author Paul Tripp.  My first thought was “Yes, I do!  Men need to love their wives and woman need to respect their husbands!!”  But the letter went on to say that nowhere in the Bible does God promise that our husbands will love us (and he does not say that woman will respect their husbands)  There is no scriptural guarantee.

So does that mean I don’t need love (from my husband) to be happy?  I don’t need love to be romantic or content or fulfilled and all that stuff?  Say what?!!

“But I need love!” I argue back.

Do you? He whispers.

“Yes!  The Bible tells men to love their wives! It’s important I feel loved by my him!  And I need to respect my husband.”

Can you?

“Well, I try.  I admit I don’t always get it right.  I don’t always respect him.  Quite honestly though, I don’t always know exactly how to do that.  But I think I’m pretty good at it…”

Hummm… You sound like you don’t need any help.  I wonder what your husband would say to all that.  But I must ask, since you say your husband must love you, do you feel like he always does?

“Well, no.”

Silence.

So he doesn’t always love you?

“No.  It sucks.”

So what’s wrong with this picture, Jolynn?

“Good question, God!  Your supposed to know everything!  You tell me.  So why is that verse even in the Bible anyway?  What are you really trying to tell me?  I know we are not perfect and make mistakes sometimes.  But I thought being married I’d feel better, sweeter, happier and we’d just always smile and laugh and get each other.  But it’s not that way.  It’s a let down.”

I’m sorry you don’t always feel the way you expected to feel in your marriage.  You had expectations that weren’t wrong, but they simply weren’t met.  You went into your marriage thinking your husband was the good guy and then something happened and now he became the bad guy.  

“Yes!  And I don’t like that I pinpoint him for my anger and blame him for things.  I know he’s supposed to be my lover.  It’s like duh!, why can’t I always see past my pain to how I’m really treating him.  It’s like I demand he loves me.  I demand he comes through for me.  It’s really not fair how I make him do all the sacrificing for my happiness.  And then, honestly, in the end after all his sacrificing I”m still not happy.”

What do you want, Jolynn?

“I want to be happy.  Deep seeded kind of happy”

What else?

“What else?”

Yes… what else?

“Um, God, I just told you.  To be happy.  There isn’t anything else.”

Silence.

“Ok, I’m starting to get this feeling that you can see right through me.  It’s freaking me out a bit.”

Silence.

“Well, I guess I long to be loved even more then to be happy.”

Yes.

“Like that security that comes from being loved.”

Yes, yes!

“God, I’m crying…  This is painful to admit.”

Yes, because even though your husband doesn’t always love you and perform the way you’d prefer you are left feeling unloved.  Expectations unmet.  Desires unmet.  You feel forgotten and left alone.  But, Jolynn, I will never leave you.  I will always love you.  Don’t you see, your husband is not perfect and he can only do so much but your still left wanting.  He can never love you enough to make you, how did you say, deep seeded kind of happy.   He just can’t.  

That verse is in the Bible to remind husbands to love their wives because it is something that doens’t come very natural and they need to remember.  Therefore, he is not always going to love you.  He won’t.  He can’t fulfill you.  He just can’t.  Only I can do that.  Only I can give you the security of being loved.  Only I can make you content.  Only I can give you peace.  

Jolynn, this time right now that we are talking is that foundation to building that security, that love that you long for.  I like when you come talk to me.  I love our time spent together. 

“Me too, God.  You have a way of making me see things differently.  It’s hard to understand or to change sometimes.  But I know your right.  I see that I have been putting to much on my husband.  I can’t imagine how he feels.  My relationship with you God, is just as important, if not MORE.  It’s wrong for me to put that pressure on my husband to come through for me when he can’t.”

 I love your heart and your longings, my dear daughter.  They are good.  There is nothing wrong with desiring to be loved.  That unmet desire is key that makes you aware something is missing.  Coming to me with your feelings is the right thing to do.  I wish that you would come more often, Jolynn.

 I love you. 

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5 thoughts on “So why did you get married?

  1. This post gave me chills, Jolynn! Thank you for your openness and honesty. I think every single Christian married woman has felt the same way. It’s the realization early on in your marriage (or so it was/is for me anyway) that your expectation of marriage is not necessarily the way it’s supposed to be. It’s being at the crossroad of deciding to throw aside your preconceived notion of what Hollywood says marriage is (which for me was mixed with what the bible says), and being open (which sucks and hurts) to allowing God to redefine it for you. For me it was/is also trying to take my pointer finger and point it at myself, so that I could fix me, and let God work on my husband.

    I guess it’s at that crossroad that God allows couples to either grow closer in Him, or pull apart. I think it’s easy for people to just give up, placing blame and resentment on their spouse. All this to say that I think your openness in this post shows your openness to God and allowing Him to strengthen your marriage. In our marriage right now, I cannot imagine being more fulfilled by my husband, but I have felt moments or total emptiness, disappointment, and massive question marks, as I’m sure I will in the future, since it’s all a part of the package. The very fact that you are so incredibly open to God, means your marriage will continue to grow into something that will exceed both of your expectations!

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  2. Wow! Amen and Amen!! 🙂 You’re an awesome writer and I’m really blessed by this post. Isn’t it neat how God can become so real to us through our difficult circumstances? It’s awesome!!

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  3. I love it, Jolynn! This post sooo made me smile. My God talks to me the way your God talks to you. I love it! So right on. Thanx for the reminder to not put everything on our husbands. Very challenging.

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  4. Thanks for sharing Jolynn. It realy blessed me and encouraged me. Our marriage is not perfect either. Its something I long for tho. I totaly understand about the expectations. I had lots of them and It does get me discouraged when our marriage is not what I thought it should/would be. Thanks again for giving me something to think on.

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