Sieving . through . the . past .

I don’t know what I would grab if my house was threatened with wild fires.  I don’t know if I could even think about what really matters to me besides that fact that I’m outta there!  I wonder if I’d be like that lady who was found sieving through the ash in what used to be her bathroom?  I’m sure people are facing a lot of ‘if only’s’.

“If only I grabbed my laptop.”

“If only I had quickly snatched my photo albums.”

“If only we had a bag packed and ready in case the fires got to our house.”

“If only we had more time…”

There’s so much I can’t control.  Especially when bad things happen.  When I’m faced with a difficult situation and I feel like it’s a test from God.  I don’t want to fail.  I hope to pass the test.  It’s like I’m back in school trying to figure out what answer the teacher is looking for on an exam.

I play mind reader with God.  Trying to predict what’s going to happen.  I’m sieving through the muck and mess in hopes of seeing what exactly God is after in allowing this trial into my life.  Piece by piece; looking with strained back and tired eyes.  Determined to figure out God’s plan.

If only I could figure it all out.  It’s such a mess.

In my quiet desperation trying to figure it out, I feel like I’m getting nowhere.  If only ‘this’ or ‘that’ or the ‘other thing’ happened, then I would do ‘A’, ‘B’ or ‘C’… It makes perfect sense!

But guess what, Jolynn.  “This”, “That” and the “other” thing did not happen.  “Today” happened.  Am I willing to face today?  Am I willing to acknowledge what reality I am faced with and own it?  Accept where today put me.

Like the lady with the sieve, desperately trying to look for what was and retrieve the past.  Can I lay down my sieve, hand it over, look around and be ok with the mess of my reality around me?

God does love me.  He does want what’s best for me.  As I learn what it feels like to un-clench my fists from my sieve, I am learning what trusting in God feels like.

{ Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
 and do not lean on your own understanding. } - God

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