5. Because i know better


  I remember when I was a little girl…
maybe 8 or 9ish.
My friend Mindy 
on our bus was starting a club and wanted me to be a part of it.

A club!  My little girl heart was so excited and drawn to the idea of getting together with girls and be a part of something great!  Wow!  My First. Real. Club. ever!

Mom agreed to my membership and so the plan was I would get off the bus with Mindy and then when mom finished her bus route she would come pick me up.  I couldn’t have been happier!  I was allowed to join the club.

I don’t remember what we did.  I don’t remember the point of the club even.  I vaguely remember handing in a dime every time we met (for what I’m not sure).  I remember sitting outside under a tree having meetings and talking.  I think we had a name.  And I’m sure it was awesome!  There were like 2 or 3 other girls who walked over to Mindy’s house that lived down the road which I never met before.  They were part of the club too.

But, sometime after the club started is when it happened.

We were having a ‘show and tell’ kind of moment.  I have no clue what treasure I brought.  Maybe nothing.  But the girl next door, I remember what she brought.  How could I forget?  She pulled out a tiny blue robin egg!  I had never seen one before.  My little brain wasn’t sure if I could believe her when she said what it was.

“A blue egg,” I thought?  “They only make white ones.”  I didn’t know the girl in the first place and thought maybe she was making this up.

Eggs are white.  Not blue.

When it came my turn to hold the egg I still remember being very skeptical.  Holding it in my hand I looked at it.  “Eggs are white,” I kept thinking. “This can’t be real. Eggs are supposed to be white.”  Suddenly, crunch! You guessed it. I broke it.  I broke that little girl’s robin egg!  I remember she looked like she wanted to cry, which made me want to cry! I felt like a horrible person. Even now my cheeks feel every bit of red as they did back then just thinking about it. My heart was beating wildly. It broke. I broke her tiny robin egg!

I remember apologizing but still feeling dumb. I wished I wouldn’t have squeezed it to see if it was real. I wished I wouldn’t have broken her egg.

~

Right now I see that egg in front of me. Right now I find myself being tempted to reach out, take that egg God has placed in front of me and break it. On purpose even. Because I’m doubting. Because I’m not sure it’s real. Because I don’t understand, like I didn’t understand back then that a robin’s egg could be and was blue, I don’t understand God’s plan. I’m seeing right now that I can believe or not believe and break the egg only to find out I am wrong. Hopefully I believe before I break the egg. . . again.

Because, honestly, I don’t know better.


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