beware of the bear {inside}

It’s Saturday, and Monday, only 5 days ago did I write my last post. My post on me wanting to love you better.

I got huge-o! traffic! {exclamation point}

I also faced huge-o! adversity. {no exclamation point.}


Reflecting on my week:

  • I got repeatedly frustrated at somebody in my house. I won’t drop names… and which I had nodesiretolovethem.
  • I got loud and all demanding that I was right with my friend, whom I love dearly. I didn’t feel better until apologizing later.
  • I made an agreement to get irritated at another friend who I really care about.
  • The troublemaker at school was vamped up and his mouth was hot. When I got him alone, attempting to show I cared, I asked him to draw for me how he felt after some meaningless small talk.  He drew himself and a word bubble saying, “I hate school.” Jumping up, he ran off leaving little miss counselor teacher {ha ha} wondering how smart and good with kids she really is and if she even is making a lasting impression on the following generation…

I was just pausing to see if I couldn’t think of any more ‘bad’ moments and 4 seconds later I got irked at myself for trying to find more things wrong with me.

Having a challenging mental week, made me want to just stay as a lukewarm Christian. Moving into those difficult areas yanks on who I am today. It stimulates yet cranks up the pressure to try harder to get it right. Why move towards relationships and people when they fail and even worse I fail and it’s a lot of failing going on and on and on. Failing is not a fun business to be in, I say. I’d rather be in the happiness and smiles and life business, wouldn’t you?!

When difficulty is the outcome of this dance, my enthusiasm for loving you your way drops to about a 0.5 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being super stoked..  Maybe I’m exaggerating just a little bit here, but you get the idea.  Who’s strength am I relying on for this dance? Why the pressure? Who is my audience, honestly?

I don’t want to end this post all down and out. I want to look on the bright side. After we said ‘yes’ to Christ, living for Him can be difficult; we were not promised a rose garden, easy-peasy, walk in the park kinda life. One thing I am grasping onto as I ponder this past week is that Jesus never said we wouldn’t walk this road alone, but what he did say is that he’d be with us.

Psalm 37:24: “though I stumble, I will not fall, for the LORD upholds me with his hand.”

That verse tells me, it’s ok that I failed. It’s ok if I fall.  No, it doesn’t mean I can continue to intentionally keep on being inconsiderate to you or  have an attitude towards you.  Please don’t misunderstand me today.  I still owe apologies and ‘can you forgive mes’.  Because God loves brokenness.  He loves my mistakes… because, He loves even more when I allow myself to be used by him in my bruised ego and pride.  Our mistakes are what God uses to conform us to be more like him.  Being more like him is something I, for one, pant after.

Jesus is still smiling at me fondly. He is still holding my hand. I am saved by grace, yes, his grace alone and not my works. So, thank God I can rest easy as I lay my head on my pillow tonight. I can stop tip-toeing around my relationships afraid of the bear lurking around inside me. That ‘bear me’ isn’t who I want to be…

I failed.

But I am still ok.

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