tenderly placing a hat on the shelf

SO… I said it.

Yesterday.

I told her.

I felt mean.

I felt heartless.

But I did it.

I told her, “I don’t think it’s going to work out.  So, I guess not.”

Who can look at this precious kidos and say “no”?

~

As I get more and more comfortable and assimilated with my ‘new’ home, I am aware of chapters closing already.  Life, in all it’s blazing glory and hard knocks, is jam packed with beginnings and endings.  Births and deaths.  A chance taken and a chance closed- just like that delish Mexican restaurant nearby that open and then recently closed all within a years time.  Complete utter sadness.  Our wallets are already mourning the new reality that savings are left for memories.  You can’t beat a plate for $2.75 that popped your buttons.

Birth.  Then death.

When I first moved here, I was the ‘new girl’.  Since living here 3 yrs this fall, a handful of others have jumped ship from their homes and families to nest here in Falls County, Texas.  New, though I still feel at times, others are at those ‘newer’ feelings I once felt ever so poignant 3 yrs prior.  Yes, it was difficult.  I recently told a ‘newbie’, that it is difficult relocating, but I’m not sure -looking back- what I could have done differently or would have liked others to have done differently.

Two things though, do come to mind- 1) realizing my unmet expectations.  And then, 2) reaching to embrace the new reality with unclenched fists.  It’s so easy to hold others accountable for how one feels, right?  It feels fair.  But what really is fair is that each individual is responsible for their own feelings and expectations and what they do with them.

For example:  you can’t make me angry.  Only if I consent to feeling angry then I’ll be angry.  I’m sure you all know the quote by E. Roosevelt, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent” – in the same light, “You can’t make me angry, only I can decide when to become angry.”  Often the case is that someone does something, not necessarily directed to us, and we react to it.  A stimulus is prompted and then a reaction is produced.  And it’s totally up to us how we dance out that reaction.  The words we say.  The facial expressions.  The body language.  It’s all under our control.  It’s all our choice.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying we can be our own ‘god’ and control everything because I think you and I both know that we can’t.  Maybe you don’t believe me and are controlling your life just fine, than perhaps you’ve heard that we can’t or you’ve been raised under such theology.  Well, I happen to believe the Holy Spirit (God) has power in our lives and can change us.  I also happen to believe the Holy Spirit is very real.  I don’t think we realize just exactly how much and how much different our lives would be if we lived ‘out of’ the Holy Spirit instead of our own desires.

What I am trying to say is that all to quick, in a matter of seconds, we react.

I’m guilty of living out of my unmet expectations.  It was easy to say what I was used to in Yankee Land, Pennsylvania (goodness I very much dislike that phrase) and then hope that everyone understands what I’m used to and then goes about it with all their might, effort, energy and intellect to recreate my homeland for me.  Because of course everyone sits around all day thinking and thinking of me and how much I miss the way things were.

NOT!!!

Unmet {unrealistic} expectations.

Might seem silly today.  VERY difficult in the moment.

~

  • A cousin visiting told me that I seem to fit in well down here.  To which I replied with a grin and a giggle, I used to wonder what on earth I was doing here.
  • While walking with a friend visiting from out of state, a neighbor jogged by and proceeded to chat about when to come over and have part of a pretty plant in our front yard.  Also on that same walk, a former student happened to be out and ran up to give a huge hug.  My friend seemed very impressed and commented about my acquaintances.  People stopping to talk with me doesn’t happen every day, I informed her.  But I did make my heart smile in the sunset.
  • Getting a text message from a cowboy preacher in town that God has laid me on his heart to minister doesn’t’ happen everyday either.  God wants to use me down here?
~

As God closes my dream of elementary education I feel like he hasn’t forgotten me yet.  I went through about a week of feeling ‘limbo’.  Do you know what I mean?  Do you know what that’s like?  I just kinda felt like my purpose in the immediate future was nonexistent.  (If you know me- I need to feel useful, have purpose, be wanted…)  So for that week, I felt like I had nothing to look forward to pour my heart into.  I felt like I was making no difference in the world and I even felt like I wasn’t being impacted in a personal seeking/growing kinda way.

Teaching did that to me.  It made me research, study on how to reach kids, better relate, discipline.  And I loved having the connection with ‘other’ people besides just my church.  It just bloom(s)ed life in me.  It also called out things in my life that I didn’t know were there.  It called me higher.  I like when I’m in that kind of environmental (ok, in the really really general sense of the word like.)  Because I don’t want to become complacent.  I don’t want to become so much in control of my life.

# Because I want to grow and change.

# Because there is so much junkie junk burred within me yet that needs to come to the surface.

# Because I want to be real in relationships.

# Because I want to learn how to handle conflict better.

# Because I kinda want to be less selfish.

# Because I want more of Jesus and less of me.

~

 

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4 thoughts on “tenderly placing a hat on the shelf

  1. Very well written, thought thru. I love my real friend Jolynn! May he shower his blessings and little smiles in the sunset. {to steal your line} become more. I love you!!

  2. Was it the mexican place in Rosebud? So sad. You’re not planning on hiding away in Faye’s suitcase next week are you? I think that would be a wonderful idea, actually.

    And your words here, miss, on purpose? I get that. Love your writings. Love that your cousin said “you fit in well”. Miss you.

    1. Yes, my soul sister! We are both created in such a way that we are most alive when we are on purposeful stages.
      It is true- the Mexican restaurant in Rosebud closed it’s doors. Apparently the owner died… but the same one in Cameron is ‘under new management’ or so rumor has it.
      Oh, wouldn’t it be lovely to pop out of her suitcase and surprise you! 🙂 #stillworkingonit#

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