I haven’t written a blog post in forever! It’s been so long that a part of me feels like not continuing to write. But, the writer inside of me yearns to say a little bit more – and so blog. I. shall.
LIfe has been busy which contributes to my quietness here. With Jason’s brother undergoing cancer treatment at MD Anderson in Houston, it has indeed interrupted not only Tim and his family but, us extended family as well. By phone calls, texts & e-mails, work schedule, breaking up our week or weekends to drive the 3 hrs to visit or assist with Dr appointments. Our hearts and minds are filled with continued prayers for needs and also thanksgiving for how well Tim is actually doing through it all. Thanks to all of you who have taken an interest in asking about him, praying for him and caring in a million and one ways that there isn’t time or space to mention here. Tim has cancer. But it not just about Tim. It trickles down into all of us wanting to do what we can to care for someone we love.
My official first Mother’s day was last year. Suddenly there was someone in my life whom I was a momma to whether I felt like one or not. I spent my first Mother’s Day sitting under a heavy dark cloud of baby blues mixed with tears and tantrums (read: poor hubby!) Sunday morning church didn’t happen that 3 days post labor and delivery. No Mother’s Day message or flower ceremony. It wouldn’t have meant anything to me anyway; I hadn’t earned the title Mother in 3 short days.
I didn’t feel like a momma yet and it was all very awkward caring for a helpless newborn and understanding his survival totally depended upon me whether I knew what I was doing or not. My life drastically changed no matter if my mental inclinations stayed the same. On impulse I still wished to do all the things I did as the old/original me would do. But my body and new responsibility/dependent roped me down. I wasn’t going anywhere – fast.
Before baby I had my life under control. I worked. I did that well. In fact, up until this point, I worked or was in college full time; with the exception of after I was married. Then I worked part time but still enough to stay busy. Sitting still and holding baby was new and I felt like I was wasn’t using my time wisely. I felt lazy. Unmotivated. Stuck at home. I felt guilty for taking a nap after baby was in his crib when I was only a little tired. Or I felt guilty for constantly having supper ready precisely at 5:30. Or for going shopping in the middle of the day. Or for checking my Facebook for the 7th time.
I read that some people couldn’t wait to be a mother. It’s what they wanted all their lives. Let me say, “me too!” But, for me, even though this is what I longed for and I couldn’t wait to be pregnant after we were married, it still was a difficult transition. If I could be so honest to say that it was one thing to be the ‘cool aunt’ with my brother’s kids but then to switch and actually BE the mom? ‘Mom’ is not equal to ‘fun aunt’. Fun aunt plays and spoils kids at designated times. Mom has kids 24/7. A little bit less fun at times and a little bit more tiring.
To be fair, because I’m afraid this is sounding far more negative then honest reality, what a mom gets to see that ‘fun aunt’ does not is the little changes through the days and months. The reward of witnessing developmental changes and learned new (disciplined) behavior. There is joy in the long journey and steady on-ness. It thickens and lengthens loves roots. It blooms relationship.
This mother’s day, I didn’t’ feel like I needed a lot of praise (though I’ll never tire of hearing it) because I’ve only wrestled through the baby stage for a complete year. I feel so new and green much unlike my mom and many other well seasoned mothers out there! They deserve the high praise! I am the dumb young looking to the wisdom of the old. I’m not as confident as I appear and I desperately need the Holy Spirits intervention.
I don’t need a trophy. I just need a little nap.
Yesterday, this mother got just that. A quiet nap as hubby watched baby and then spent the rest of the day delighting in my family and extended family. It was good. If Mother’s Day is about what mom wants, it was what I want. I want family time. Just being together. Listening and talking. Learning and laughing.
And this year, celebrating the first year of a new little life was the perfect excuse to do just that.