After reading this post from Tim Keller
We would never imagine that getting our heart’s deepest desires might be the worst thing that can ever happen to us.
and hearing my friend from Pa tell me she’s going to the pool that day,
My immediate response is pure, green, ugly, jealousy.
But, as quick as the pouchy lip protruded, this thought struck me.
“Just because I’m a (married) transplant does NOT give me the ‘right’ to be discontent or jealous.”
I think sometimes because of our situations, we feel we have the right to ‘sin’ – if I can be so bold to call it sin. I feel kinda preachy calling it that. But for real, when do we have the justification to be discontent or selfish or envious? Is it ever ok to knowingly live jealously? Or enviously?
I don’t like the person I am in those moments where I stew for hours about how horrible Texas is and I don’t belong here. I wouldn’t want to be a friend to me ~ let alone married to a disgruntled, ‘pity me’ me. Yes, that’s how I go about sometimes. I am not the saint I try to fool myself and you into believing.
Those feelings of jealousy and homesickness are real though. What do I do with them? I don’t want to stuff them and walk around with a fake, cheesy smile plastered on my face (which sounds incredibly hard to do anyway) or live in poor-me-demanding-everyone-change-for-me Land either.
It is hard to miss out on things back home especially when the current away from home life is so V E R Y difficult from time to time and you can’t live another day being friendless or socially awkward because nobody understands what I’m saying or your In-laws are nice but just not like mom and if you want to drink coffee and get away you have to drop 25miles to get there.
I want to be real. I want to live this life God has called me to. I want be fully alive wherever I am at – even if it’s someplace I’m not the most comfortable in at times. I want to impact people and be impacted by people around me. I want to live my life actually with those beside me because after I’m gone, as morbid as it may sound, the biggest impact I will have made is in the here and now. Not the years proceeding my death. I want to live in This today.
I changed my banner on my blog. You might have to read it 2 or 3 times to feel it’s impact. Our interruptions and what we encounter daily IS our life. It is MY life. It’s YOUR life. Whether we like it or not. Whether we are content or not. Jealous or not. Homesick or not. Expectations being met or not.
It’s our lives.
How do we live engaged in our life?
I don’t know yet. But, I intend to give it a shot. I hope to slow down. Look at people around me. Listen. Smile. And, not rush around and blabber the first thing that pops into my head. I want to learn to sit in the uncomfortable rooms with people and not rush off because these people are different and they don’t get me.
Also, I want to mourn. Mourn the loss of changed relationships with family and friends back home. I want to mourn the loss what I had. Embrace the ache. The sadness. The difficultness of not being close to parents and my siblings. To communicate with God my feelings but not camp there. Tenderly relate with a God who deeply cares about how I feel.
Is mourning an option to stuffing feelings? Does mourning mean I won’t just ‘get over it’? Do I need to just ‘get over it’? What does mourning look like? Is mourning pitying myself sorta? If not how is it different?
Like my quote from Tim Keller, if God answered my desire to live closer to family, might that be the worst thing that happens to me? I don’t know. Maybe it’s more important we are open with God about how we feel but let it remain open and not become demanding.
I don’t want a demanding heart.
So much to think about for one blog post. I welcome your thoughts, stories, experiences & revelations on the matter.
And, if til next time I suffer a huge round of homesickness may I read this 20 times ore!