I wrote this last week when I was having a particularly difficult day. Not every day is like this but the truth is some days just are. This post seems like a downer but the message is one that I need to hear over and over again. May this one thing encourage you today in your dance.
It was 7:47am. Cali lay awake and smiling like a crazy cooing morning bird. Jason had gone off to work already.
I got up.
The toddler was still asleep. Thank God for some moments of peace to recollect myself.
Exhaustion pounds my head. The clock tick-tocks a list of all I gotta do. Whip up breakfast, feed Cali, sort the laundry, unload the dishwasher then stack it and thus my day has begun to a beat that makes my soul anxious. A simple glance around the house I wanted to crawl under the covers and call the maid.
Mothers are expected to do so much. To be so much. In the right moment I could be all that you need. But mix exhaustion and sleep deprivation and over stimulation, guess again.
Whatever the case, this morning I was all of thee above and progressively losing rhythm to the demanding clock. Will I be able to do it all today? I pretend I’m kind and force smiles, just going through the motions of being the mom.
I need to do this I berated myself, whether I feel like I have it together or not.
Eventually nap time came. The best part of my day. Wrapped in a blanket on the sofa, I see it. Like a reality tv show where I’m the girl with messy hair and clothes, always a few steps behind and never getting it right. I try not to cry in my pillow as I piece it together.
I’m not enough. No matter how hard I try.
All that I am. All that I do. All the attitudes and feelings in my house. All the energy. I feel responsible for them. For it all.
If Gavin fights his nap. I feel it’s my fault he doesn’t just magically fall asleep the second his head hits the pillow.
If Cali is extra fussy it’s my fault I didn’t watch my diet better.
If Jason had a trying day it’s my fault I’m not the perfect encouraging wife to welcome him home.
Its my fault. It’s all my fault. I’m not enough. I can’t meet everybody’s needs. My shoulders pinch together tighter.
Sunday’s sermon delivered a sticky phrase, the only thing that I caught. God is sovereign and I am not. Pastor Chris admitted his own struggle to controlling his environment. He preached he is still learning to repent for not seeing God as sovereign in those moments.
Repent that I don’t see God as sovereign when I try to be in control.
Part of my ENFP personality type is taking on others feelings and thus feeling responsible for them. Responsible that it’s my job that they aren’t happy or my job to make them happy.
I’m wired in such a way that I am constantly reading people through my intuition. It might not always be accurate interpretations but I’m continually picking up mood vibes. Leave it to me to take on the weight of the world around me. The weight of the world in my house. Which makes for a very heavy house to take on.
TODAY I desire to lay down the weight of the house in my head and repent of not trusting in a sovereign God to take care of me and my people. God is sovereign. I am not. He can handle my people; handle me. I must repent of my need to control and trust in God who can sufficiently handle us.
Today I’d like to practice repenting of doubting God’s sovereignty.
Then I’d like to practice not assuming my people’s moods are my responsibility.