So It’s January 9 and how are you doing? Are you nailing your goals you thoughtfully listed or are you feeling mentally snowed in; don’t even know where to start? Or maybe there’s a middle option I’m forgetting? Your somewhere between having a word for the year picked out but no reflection happened or goals were set.
And me? I’m pretty much in the mental snow storm state down here in Texas. And it’s not even snowing (though it’s felt pretty darn cold enough like it could snow these days).
Every time I go on social media right now I feel piles of pressure to have all the pretty planners, all the goals neatly listed out, resolutions set, plans for more exercise and a word established.
I have seen so many pictures on Instagram and Facebook lately of reflecting on 2016, what was good, what was not and what the year over all felt like. I see ambitions for the new year and I just want to hide under a thick weighted Asburgers blanket and escape it all. My nerves almost can’t handle it.
The beginning of January is just another day in the life for me, people.
Don’t get me wrong. If you are a planner and have spent $$$ on a pretty one because you need it to stay sane, I don’t hate you. If you have the list and the word set; I don’t hate you. Please hear me, I am still your friend. If your new year involves setting goals, creating new words, starting your diet and creating new habits, then that’s great I say. In fact, more power to you and I hope you can kick it in 2017 and I hope lots of good change happen for you!
You see, that used to be me. She existed once. I used to write everything down by January 2. That was me: pre-kid era. Now I’m just happy if I get a 10 minute walk in once a month or my contacts in the right eyes or eat an apple instead of those cookies burning a big hole on the counter over there.
I guess I’m just being really honest, friend, with the stage of life I am in. I have two little ones at home and it is hard to get everything done that needs it + do all these cool things + raise little people into decent, respectable big people.
Toddlers are hard. Not hard as in I want to send them back but hard is in emotionally draining. As in weary filled – doing the same things every day, hour after hour and fighting unreasonable battles. I just want to take time for myself these days (maybe that should be my goal this year?). Have meaningful, adult words coming out of my mouth that are complete sentences, flow in a conversation and are heard and appreciated. If anything, I don’t want to feel pressure to do one more thing. Because, since I’m being honest. I feel like I can’t. keep. up.
I saw on Instagram Sussie Q has this beautiful planner, the perfect word picked out and because of that, she has the best behaved kids and therefore posts the cutest pictures of her perfectly adorable house, even when it’s messy and she’s super skinny, knockout gorgeous, has the sweetest husband who does anything she wants without even a question and is so popular she has over a 1000 followers and a bazillion comments and likes.
I can never….
Yes, feel left behind, tired of trying to be like everybody else.
I’ve tried and still am trying to be her but no matter how hard I chide myself on still being plain old me in the end, you know, with the same crooked teeth, big eyeballs, greying frizzy, thick wad of hair, kids with dirty faces, a husband who avoids me for good reason, a house in need of Joanna Gains, kids who need more discipline, less candy and clothes that scream ‘goodwill’ family models. Can I get a witness? An amen? 😉
Here’s the truth though – my actual life is worth more love then I give it. It is worth framing in gold. When in the trap of comparison it’s pretty difficult to see the awesome I have right in front of me.
If I did end up setting a goal for 2017 it should be: shake peer pressure. To weed the mad pursuit for status quo growing wildly in the soil of my soul.
Does it have something to do with raising toddlers, being exhausted that makes me want to throw my determination off like a giant cape revealing my true striped self? Facades torn off.
I want to get to know the real me more. Who is she, anyway? She needs grace to offer herself and space to be imperfect – no longer hiding.
I want to be the best parent I can be and if I’m always looking to my right and my left, at everybody else and how they’re doing the mom thing, I’m hindering the real me from shining. I can only be me, the best mom with all my unique gifts, quirky sense of humor and determined personality.
As hard as it is to not buy the pretty planner this year, I am not. I’m embracing who God made me to be and my current stage of life. Maybe someday I’ll buy that pretty planner but not this year. Maybe someday I’ll be setting amazing words and conquering great goals and doing all the things. But not this year.
This year I’m at home with my kids – being a stay at home mom and getting pretty darn good at it. I have found my purpose – my job. And I’m settling in with it a little more (why do I feel like I’m always writing about this?). It’s taken me a while to be ok with my self, staying at home.
Do you know what number you are on the enneagram? I’m a type seven. That means we chase all the fun things and bright ideas we have in pursuit of the next adventure. We find it hard to take time for rest, listening well and for paying attention. Silence and solitude come hard for us. We are totally in our own minds chasing the next shiny thing….
Maybe I should start a vlog?…..
It’s hard not to purchase that planner because it oh, so pretty! I love pretty things! And I can imagine using it would be sooooooooooo. much. fun!
And as hard as it to not be like other moms, to look and act like them, like they appear on social media anyway, I wish to embrace my one chance, my little, imperfect me. My own weaknesses and strengths. The sides of me I find repulsive and bring them into the light in repentance. I wish to embrace my greying hair and my nonGains house. My kids need me and not a clone of Sussie Q. I wish to embrace the real, actual me.
Just thinking about my enneagram issues, I believe I would like to make a word or phrase for my year after all.
This year my phrase is going to be: present over pursuit.
Type sevens chase adventure, enticing challenges and struggle being awake to our present. Our actual life.
As a stay at home mom I especially need to be present with my little ones. After all, I am shaping them to be little adults someday. Mommying ain’t easy but this is where the groundwork is set, the frame-work is slowly built. Where all that I’ve done is gonna affect who they become. And so as hard as it is to be present to my people and not lusting after other people and all the pretty things out there – this is my one and only goal for 2017.
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