Hi! It’s been awhile. A long while.
There’s so much happening in the world, in my world and it’s hard for me to write. Usually writing helps me process and make sense of what I’m feeling but not this time. This time my preferred coping mechanism is to not think to long or too deep – to keep moving. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. My drug of choice numbness.
Maybe it’s knowing that this is not how I should respond that makes me rebellious and lax. Numbing out is not how one of faith should react to overwhelm. One should pray, talk, journal and meditate. The strict school master, attached to the inner walls of my mind wags her finger at me revealing my sins of sloth and indifference. She nags me with shoulds continually.
The day seems long and boring to my vexed and weighed down soul. We toil and turn around the same old tracks. We wake up the next day to do it again. Progress seems far from construed. And the school master inside haunts me with more shoulds I’m not interested in.
With a future no map can point, I through my legs out of bed when the sun rises and select my cup size on the Keurig. Little ones at the table demand for bowls, for flower spoons, the other cereal, milk. They fuss and whine when milk spills on their jammies and I can’t instantly make it dry.
But this time, after bellies are satisfied, I curl up with my laptip, fondess returning to my body as I remember worlds ago when I snuggled down and tapped out words I was excited to share with the world. With you.
I stir my second mug, this time a cappicinno and excitement mounts. In the midst of struggle and boredom, I catch a glimmer of light and my my heart leaps a few centimeters as I wrap myself in my sweater and slip into my slippers. There’s something out there. Something bigger then me worth living for, worth seeking and finding.
It teases me with it’s hide-and-go-seek playfulness. It flirts and flatters my view. I know it’s not popularity, being important, busy smart or the best.
Where are you coming from? I question the flicker getting up. I walk into the bathroom and stare in the mirror. I look despondent absorbing my dull reflection. Dead and lifeless in my ordinary body with limp hair and no makeup. No matter what I do, the light I construct is only temporary and short lived and most importantly in a bad way, takes too much energy.
Light outside my window bounces off stones and the sidewalk and my son’s Little Tikes cozy coupe. A thought comes to me as I settle into my chair once more. It gives my soul a new meaning of hope. One of action instead of theology. One of purpose filled movement and a language within. One that gives meaning to the little parts of my day instead of the enormous whole. It speaks of meaning within that doesn’t come from me. Like the light glittering out in the cold beyond the walls of my cozy house.
With the weariness of the world, my heart is trying to rejoice. But I absolutely do not want to make it happen on my own. My personality does that on autopilot and that way doesn’t sustain me. I long to tap into the enticing light catching my minds eye. I long to experience the light of the world, Jesus, as my hope, my joy. One that isn’t fake, put on or mustered up. I’m done with that. It’s lead me to bed my fears and step through the next chore.
I’m the middle. There’s weariness behind me and cracks of light ahead. There’s weight on my shoulders and bossy shoulds in my mind. There’s a Bible in my table and promises of Emanuel, God with us that point me out alone into the woods.
This is my wilderness.
Jolynn Friesen 